nights of confusion and impossible dreams
by Mia-Zeklos
Summary: "One month," Jace said, his hold on Alec's hand tightening once more, and Alec nodded. "And then you're coming home."


**Notes: This is is written for Day One from Jalec week - _Promises_ \- and inspired by this part from the parabatai article on the Shadowhunters wiki: "When they are separated or if a great distance is placed between them, the partners would feel the connection break, or could feel constant or sudden painful sensations comparable to literal tugs to their hearts" because it deserves some attention. Please excuse any typos and/or general inconsistencies - I'm kind of going through a lot right now but I wanted to write this nevertheless, so I hope it's not too terrible.**

At some point during the last month or so, Alec had become more attuned to Jace's current state of mind than he'd ever imagined he would be. It wasn't just because of their newly formed bond – although he was sure that that played its part too – but because he was more _aware_ of him as a whole, and it only seemed to get more prominent by the day.

Of course, Jace's silent presence in his room didn't help much either.

"It's just for one month." It was strange; Alec would have been perfectly content with silence on any other day, but now it was getting more unbearable by the second. "They wouldn't let me stay longer than that even if I wanted to."

"I know." Jace had been sitting on the edge of Alec's bed and watching him pack his luggage but now relaxed on it, fixing his eyes on the ceiling. "It's just so _soon_. It feels like another test."

"It's not," Alec hurried to say. He couldn't be sure of that – neither of them could – but given the circumstances, helping Jace accept the situation more easily took priority. His attention shifted from his suitcase to his parabatai and he neared the bed, carefully lying down next to Jace. "We passed all the tests; they wouldn't have approved the ceremony if we hadn't. This is just- Mother says it'll be good for me."

Jace's distrust radiated from his expression alone and Alec allowed himself a smile, one of his hands blindly finding his parabatai's and tangling their fingers together. "I'm not leaving you. Or the Institute," he added quickly. He didn't want it to sound too personal even if it _was_. He needn't have bothered – Jace squeezed his hand back wordlessly and when Alec turned to look at him, he didn't seem quite so unsure anymore.

"What are you even going to _do_ there anyway?" he pondered. "Nothing ever happens in Idris."

"Some of my cousins live there," Alec shrugged. _It wouldn't be as boring if you come too_. He didn't say it out loud, even though he'd thought it often enough ever since his mother had given him the news about the upcoming trip. Jace hadn't gone back since his father's death and although Alec was sure that he would come if Alec was the one to ask, he couldn't bring himself to do it. Izzy had decided to stay too – she wasn't banned from Idris and that made the idea of the visit significantly less interesting, he supposed – so Alec was on his own. "I haven't seen them since we were kids. One day, when I'm Head of the Institute, I'll be allowed in Idris far more often and it's good to establish stable relationship with your family when you hold such an important position."

Jace gave him the same sour look he usually did when he sensed that Alec was quoting Maryse word for word, but let it slip for once. "One month," he said, his hold on Alec's hand tightening once more, and Alec nodded. "And then you're coming home."

"Of course I am." He wasn't sure why Jace would need a confirmation in the first place. Why would he ever want to stay away?

 **o.O.o**

Jace had been the one to send Alec through the portal. His parents had been waiting on the other side and Jace had been grateful for the privacy that had granted them, even if it had made him feel even more on edge. They'd given Alec a minute to say goodbye to his parabatai, mainly after Robert had insisted, but there was only so much that could be said in so little time.

"I'll call when I can," Alec had said, uncharacteristically restless. "But everyone says that you can never find good service in Idris, so I'll just-"

Jace had decided to put him out of his misery. "I'll see you in a month."

They'd parted with a few final reassurances and reminders until Jace had practically pushed his parabatai through the portal well after the time they'd been given had run out. Yes, he and Izzy would keep themselves safe; yes, he'd call him if Max somehow got hold of a stele again and managed to do any significant damage with it. The list of warnings had been almost as long as Maryse and teasing Alec about that little detail had made their parting much easier to bear. The worry that weighed on Jace's heart had lightened just a bit and it had remained so for a few hours after he'd left the hall with the portal and had focused on his work for the day.

The peace hadn't lasted as long as he'd hoped. Jace hadn't noticed at first – the process had been too gradual for that – but soon enough, the disquiet that had been slowly taking over him had been impossible to ignore.

He didn't say anything at first. Despite Alec's certainty, he was still sure that Maryse's idea – at least partially – had been to see how well they could do on their own now that they had actually become parabatai. Mentioning any discomfort would only prove to her what she'd already expected to hear and he couldn't have that; not after everything they'd gone through to prove that they were compatible enough to be worthy of the vow they'd made.

Izzy was the only one who noticed, which wasn't exactly surprising – on top of being one of the few people he spent the majority of his time with, she had recently started asking about the parabatai bond with the same scientific interest she gave to any other part of the Shadow world and had been approaching both him and Alec with all sorts of questions even before Alec's departure. It only made sense that she'd easily spot the difference in him now.

"He's been gone for a _week_ ," she said one evening during training, distracting Jace for just long enough to make him lose his footing the next time she attacked. "I know that parabatai pairs are always averse to being separate, but I doubt it's that extreme."

"I don't think it's about the time that's passed," Jace said as he got back to his feet. "It's about the distance. Or at least that's what Robert says."

Robert had been Jace's only source of information over the last few days. There was something about him that made Jace trust him with his recent... issue more than he did anyone else and while he suspected that it was because Robert's advice was usually accompanied with a comparison to his own parabatai – who just _happened_ to have been Jace's father – at least he was sure that they'd shared the experience at one point or another.

The portal in the New York Institute was a fixed one; it always led to Idris. It was how Jace had arrived in it when he'd first come to live with the Lightwoods, so he had thought of it as a place that was only a breath away instead of halfway across the world.

But suddenly, every mile between _here_ and _there_ had become obvious; Jace could feel the distance easier than he'd been able to feel anything else before. When the parabatai ceremony had been finished, he'd felt Alec's soul seamlessly find its place next to his and now, if asked to describe the feeling, he would say that it felt like someone was trying to rip that same soul away with their bare hands. He couldn't say any of that to Izzy; it would prompt a million other questions that would only make it feel worse, so he kept his explanations as vague as possible, idly wondering if Alec was faring any better.

 **o.O.o**

The Codex hadn't been very helpful. Jace had already known that – he knew the book almost by heart, especially the section about parabatai as he'd read it more often than ever in the weeks before he'd worked up the courage to talk to Alec about it – but it was still frustrating to find that there wasn't any explanation for the painful tugs he felt in his chest; for the strange longing that made him more sullen and more difficult to talk to by the day. If this was a test, he was failing it and the ever-present reminder of that was even more grating.

So was the silence on Alec's end. He'd been right – the service in Idris really was horrible – so most of the news from there had been scarce and usually delivered by Maryse on her weekly visits. Alec was fine, he was doing well. There was nothing important to report. Knowing Alec, he was probably spending most of his time in whatever training hall had been provided for him, but even that information wasn't sufficient for Jace to know whether Alec was going through- well, whatever that was. Izzy had called it withdrawal once and Jace had indignantly told her that she didn't know what she was talking about, although deep down he was inclined to agree. Why had no one warned them about this? Was it even normal? He had no way of knowing and he had no intention to try and learn more now out of fear that it wasn't.

 _Fear_. The word itself was ridiculous. Jace had never been afraid of anything, let alone of what the Clave thought of him, and yet here he was. This was where Alec's attempt at establishing stable relationships had landed them.

Sleeping made things even worse. When his mind wasn't occupied, Jace's soul was free to wander as it pleased, but it was always met with a resistance that somehow managed to surprise him every time. It was like looking for something he expected to be just around the corner and even though it never was, he always found it in himself to be disappointed. He'd got used to Alec's constant presence in every way possible that being so far away now felt almost physically painful and much more persistent than it had been at first – the sensation followed Jace around all the time now and even if he tried not to let it show, that didn't change much – it was torture.

But in the end, it _was_ just a month. Jace had checked the hour of Alec's arrival himself – every movement from Idris to New York was catalogued and he'd managed to appreciate that for the first time today – and he positioned himself close enough to see the door if it opened almost half an hour too early, trying – and likely failing, given the fact that Isabelle joined him a few minutes later – to be nonchalant about what he was doing.

By the time the portal was activated – it was easy to notice; there was always a sort of energy before someone went through it – almost another hour had passed and doubt had startled settling in. Maryse had told them that Alec was getting along well enough with his host; what if he'd decided to stay? Worse, what if he'd been _allowed_ to? Jace had never learnt why the Lightwoods coming in and out of Idris was such an issue – he guessed that Alec hadn't either, even if he had accepted it more easily – but there was no way his parabatai had decided to question that now of all times. He'd been reluctant to leave, Jace had seen it; there wasn't much that he could think of that could have changed his mind. What if that was what Jace had been feeling – Alec consciously choosing to stay away from him? Hadn't that been, after all, what had happened to their fathers in the first place?

Jace's train of thought – that had been becoming more and more convincing the more he thought about it – suddenly came to a screeching halt as the door in front of him swung open and Alec stepped through, still wearing the vaguely nauseated expression of most people who'd just arrived from somewhere far away. It was one of the cons of using a portal to get anywhere – it took a while to put yourself together after that.

Heedless of that fact, Jace neared him and brought him closer for an embrace, laughing when he heard the thud of Alec's suitcase on the floor. He'd taken him by surprise, that much was clear, although Alec reacted quickly – he did his usual _thing_ of freezing for a moment before wrapping his arms around him in response and the familiarity of it was enough for Jace to manage to let go and pull away so that he could take a look at him. Alec smiled back – a quick, slightly bemused smile – and Jace knew that they had a few moments left before Izzy found Max and told him the news. Alec would have to tell them about his stay in detail then, Jace had no doubt, but that wasn't what he wanted. What he _did_ want was to feel the echo of Alec's heart next to his again, sure as ever, and he got it just a moment later as their bodies finally seemed to catch up with their proximity.

Alec had felt it too – his only giveaway had been the sudden, sharp intake of breath, followed by relief that was almost palpable even without their bond, but even stronger with it sparking up between them after a month of silence – being able to feel what Alec did with only the smallest effort was far more comforting than Jace had expected it to be.

"I _did_ say I'd come home as soon as they let me," Alec said drily and it sounded suspiciously like his usual _I told you_ so, but Jace couldn't find it in himself to mind.

"I have to talk to you," he said instead, lowering his voice. "There's something- I can't really explain it, but-"

"I know." If Alec's flustered expression was anything to go by, he had a lot to say too, but they didn't have time for that – Jace could hear Max's voice just behind the corner – and Alec straightened up, disentangling himself from their embrace completely. "You can tell me later."

Jace could live with that. As long as he could feel Alec's soul so close to his own, no longer as absent as it had felt for weeks, he could find it in himself to wait.


End file.
